A couple hiding their finances from each
other is an indication of an underlying problem – a low level of trust.
This permeates other aspects of the relationship.
At a deeper level is the lack of purpose
or vision for the union. Most families have no defined purpose or
mission statement. They have no idea what their coming together will
achieve in the larger scheme of things. Man meets woman; they fall in
love, get married and live happily ever after. Many go in without
knowing their purpose and mission in life, what their life is all about
and what success looks like. They operate on a pay-as-you-go basis.
I was in that shoe when I got married. At
age 30, I was ready to settle down and when I met my wife, I knew she
was the one. As an individual, I did not know where I was going; what my
life was about; hence, I did not find out hers beyond finishing school,
getting a job and climbing the ladder wherever it took one. Since the
direction was not defined, we just assumed we were going in the same
direction. We had to start aiming after the shot has been fired. Many
marriages have unraveled when it dawns on the couple that they don’t
share the same values and are heading in different directions.
We love to assume we know all there is to
know when in truth we don’t. A couple married for more than five years
without a child approached their pastor for prayers. The pastor asked
why they wanted a child. The couple was stunned by the question. What
type of question was that? Is it not logical that after the wedding come
the naming ceremony? At the wedding reception, you are given the hint
that the crowd should be reconvened in nine months’ time for part 2. The
husband explained further, in case the pastor did not hear him well,
that they are legally married and have been trying to have a child for
more than years; they have prayed, fasted and undergone fertility
treatments. The pastor asked again why they wanted a child. Gently, the
pastor explained to the anxious couple that every child comes into this
world for a purpose, and parents should settle the ‘why’ before
bothering about the ‘how’. They should not look for a child simply for
the sake of being numbered among those who have children.
The best man for the job
Success is a team sport and the best team
wins, not the team with the best players. If the wife is a guru in
financial management but the man insists he must manage the family’s
finances, the couple have set themselves up for self-sabotage. When a
couple has a shared vision and both partners buy into that vision,
managing family finances no longer becomes a bone of contention. Like a
closely knit team, the team leader should feel secure enough to field
the best player in each position. Both partners bring a diverse set of
skills to the union. It makes sense to utilise these skills to the
fullest rather than sideline anyone for ego reasons.
This is when diversity becomes a source
of strength. But in many unions, it has been turned into a weakness.
When husband and wife take decisions and work together, it is tough to
beat that team.
Artisans are good in playing the divide
and rule game. If they know that the husband is weak in negotiating,
they wait for the wife to be absent before they corner the husband to
push through their inflated estimate. Children also do it too. They know
who will likely say yes; so they wait for the right time to strike.
Lack of unity among couples can be very
expensive. It is crucial that both partners buy into the family’s
financial goals and investment objectives. If the husband is trying to
save while the wife keeps spending on impulse, they work at cross
purposes. That is why ideally, family finances should be centrally
managed while individual partners have their own pocket money to spend
as they wish.
Joint accounts
Having a joint account can be a sticky
point. Ideally, husband and wives should have a joint account. Each can
have their individual account to manage their personal allowances. Apart
from the fact that this is a union in the true sense of the word, it
avoids the heartache of trying to settle the estate when one partner
dies without a will (intestate). The man may die rich but leaves the
family poor because the wife is not a signatory to his accounts. Even
when there is a will, the paperwork involved is very cumbersome and the
process long-winded, especially if the will is contested. You don’t want
to put your loved ones through that, if you really love them.
If you run joint accounts, if anything
happens to you, your spouse will not have to swear affidavits up and
down to be able to have access to the bank accounts, share certificates,
land documents, etc. That stress is totally unnecessary, especially
when predatory in-laws come into the picture. If some men can see what
their loved ones are going through after their demise, they will think
and act differently while still alive.
Of course, there are trust issues around
having a joint bank account. For example, you can march majestically to
an ATM, 100 per cent sure there is more than enough money, only to be
embarrassed.
Having a joint account requires some
level of trust and responsibility from each party. When that is lacking,
both partners have to put all cards on the table and agree on the way
forward. Whatever option they come up with, there should be a mutual
agreement to proceed with that option.
No easy answers
There is no easy answer to how couples
should move from where they are to where they ought to be in terms of
how they handle their finances.
Each marriage is unique and each
individual comes into the union with their own baggage from the past.
They already have their worldview based on upbringing and past
experiences.
Wherever you are today, blaming the past
will not move you towards your desired future. Call a conference and
fashion out your desired future and what you need to do to get there. If
your partner is not ready, wait until he or she is. Stop building
without a blueprint.
If you know where you want to go, you
will find a way to get there. One fact is not debatable – everything
rises and falls with leadership. When the man steps up to the plate, the
wife follows gladly. If you want your family to move to the next level
financially, get ready for a paradigm shift. It can no longer be
business as usual
No comments:
Post a Comment